From Teachings on Love by Thich Nhat Hanh
During the lifetime of the Buddha, those of the Brahmanic faith prayed that
after death they would go to Heaven to dwell eternally with Brahma, the
universal God. One day a Brahmin man asked the Buddha, “What can I do to
be sure that I will be with Brahma after I die?” and the Buddha replied, “As
Brahma is the source of Love, to dwell with him you must practice
the Brahma-viharas—love, compassion, joy, and equanimity.” …
The first aspect of true love is maitri, the intention and capacity to offer joy
and happiness. To develop that capacity, we have to practice looking and
listening deeply so that we know what to do and what not to do to make
others happy. If you offer your beloved something she does not need, that is
not maitri. You have to see her real situation or what you offer might bring
her unhappiness.
In Southeast Asia, many people are extremely fond of a large, thorny fruit
called durian. You could even say they are addicted to it. Its smell is
extremely strong, and when some people finish eating the fruit, they put the
skin under their bed so they can continue to smell it. To me, the smell of
durian is horrible. One day when I was practicing chanting alone in my
temple in Vietnam, there was a durian on the altar that had been offered to
the Buddha. I was trying to recite The Lotus Sutra, using a wooden drum and
a large bowl-shaped bell for accompaniment, but I could not concentrate at
all. I finally carried the bell to the altar and turned it upside down to
imprison the durian, so I could chant the sutra. After I finished, I bowed to
the Buddha and liberated the durian. If you were to say to me, “Thay, I love
you so much I would like you to eat some of this durian,” I would suffer. You
love me, you want me to be happy, but you force me to eat durian. That is an
example of love without understanding. Your intention is good, but you don’t
have the correct understanding. You are in deep communication,
deep communion with her, and that alone brings some relief.
Without understanding, your love is not true love. You must look deeply in
order to see and understand the needs, aspirations, and suffering of the one
you love. We all need love. Love brings us joy and well-being. It is as natural
as the air. We are loved by the air; we need fresh air to be happy and well.
We are loved by trees. We need trees to be healthy. In order to be loved, we
have to love, which means we have to understand. For our love to continue,
we have to take the appropriate action or non-action to protect the air, the
trees, and our beloved.
We all have the seeds of love in us. We can develop this wonderful source of
energy, nurturing the unconditional love that does not expect anything in
return. When we understand someone deeply, even someone who has done us
harm, we cannot resist loving him or her. Shakyamuni Buddha declared that
the Buddha of the next eon will be named Maitreya, the Buddha of Love.
The second aspect of true love is karuna, the intention and capacity to relieve
and transform suffering and lighten sorrows. Karuna is usually translated as
“compassion,” but that is not exactly correct. “Compassion” is composed
of com (“together with”) and passion (“to suffer”). But we do not need to suffer
to remove suffering from another person. Doctors, for instance, can relieve
their patients’ suffering without experiencing the same disease in
themselves. If we suffer too much, we may be crushed and unable to help.
Still, until we find a better word, let us use “compassion” to translate karuna.
To develop compassion in ourselves, we need to practice mindful breathing,
deep listening, and deep looking. The Lotus Sutra describes Avalokiteshvara
as the bodhisattva who practices “looking with the eyes of compassion and
listening deeply to the cries of the world.” Compassion contains deep concern.
You know the other person is suffering, so you sit close to her. You look and
listen deeply to her to be able to touch her pain.
One compassionate word, action, or thought can reduce another person’s
suffering and bring him joy. One word can give comfort and confidence,
destroy doubt, help someone avoid a mistake, reconcile a conflict, or open the
door to liberation. One action can save a person’s life or help him take
advantage of a rare opportunity. One thought can do the same, because
thoughts always lead to words and actions. With compassion in our heart,
every thought, word, and deed can bring about a miracle.
When I was a novice, I could not understand why, if the world is filled with
suffering, the Buddha has such a beautiful smile. Why isn’t he disturbed by
all the suffering? Later I discovered that the Buddha had enough
understanding, calmness, and strength. That is why the suffering does not
overwhelm him. He is able to smile to suffering because he knows how to
take care of it and to help transform it. We need to be aware of the suffering,
but retain our clarity, calmness, and strength so we can help transform the
situation. The ocean of tears cannot drown us if karuna is there. That is why
the Buddha’s smile is possible.
The third element of true love is mudita, joy. True love always brings joy to
ourselves and to the one we love. If our love does not bring joy to both of us, it
is not true love.
Commentators explain that happiness relates to both body and mind,
whereas joy relates primarily to mind. This example is often given: Someone
traveling in the desert sees a stream of cool water and experiences joy. On
drinking the water, he experiences happiness. Ditthadhamma
sukhavihari means “dwelling happily in the present moment.” We don’t rush
to the future; we know that everything is here in the present moment. Many
small things can bring us tremendous joy, such as the awareness that we
have eyes in good condition. We just have to open our eyes and we can see the
blue sky, the violet flowers, the children, the trees, and so many other kinds
of forms and colors. Dwelling in mindfulness, we can touch these wondrous
and refreshing things, and our mind of joy arises naturally. Joy contains
happiness and happiness contains joy.
Some commentators have said that mudita means “sympathetic joy” or
“altruistic joy,” the happiness we feel when others are happy. But that is too
limited. It discriminates between self and others. A deeper definition of
mudita is a joy that is filled with peace and contentment. We rejoice when we
see others happy, but we rejoice in our own well-being as well. How can we
feel joy for another person when we do not feel joy for ourselves? Joy is for
everyone.
The fourth element of true love is upeksha, which means equanimity,
nonattachment, nondiscrimination, even-mindedness, or letting
go. Upe means “over,” and ksh means “to look.” You climb the mountain to be
able to look over the whole situation, not bound by one side or the other. If
your love has attachment, discrimination, prejudice, or clinging in it, it is not
true love. People who do not understand Buddhism sometimes think upeksha
means indifference, but true equanimity is neither cold nor indifferent. If you
have more than one child, they are all your children. Upeksha does not mean
that you don’t love. You love in a way that all your children receive your love,
without discrimination.
Upeksha has the mark called samatajnana, “the wisdom of equality,” the
ability to see everyone as equal, not discriminating between ourselves and
others. In a conflict, even though we are deeply concerned, we remain
impartial, able to love and to understand both sides. We shed all
discrimination and prejudice, and remove all boundaries between ourselves
and others. As long as we see ourselves as the one who loves and the other as
the one who is loved, as long as we value ourselves more than others or see
others as different from us, we do not have true equanimity. We have to put
ourselves “into the other person’s skin” and become one with him if we want
to understand and truly love him. When that happens, there is no “self’ and
no “other.”
Without upeksha, your love may become possessive. A summer breeze can be
very refreshing; but if we try to put it in a tin can so we can have it entirely
for ourselves, the breeze will die. Our beloved is the same. He is like a cloud,
a breeze, a flower. If you imprison him in a tin can, he will die. Yet many
people do just that. They rob their loved one of his liberty, until he can no
longer be himself. They live to satisfy themselves and use their loved one to
help them fulfill that. That is not loving; it is destroying. You say you love
him, but if you do not understand his aspirations, his needs, his difficulties,
he is in a prison called love. True love allows you to preserve your freedom
and the freedom of your beloved. That is upeksha.
For love to be true love, it must contain compassion, joy, and equanimity in it.
For compassion to be true compassion, it has to have love, joy, and
equanimity in it. True joy has to contain love, compassion, and equanimity.
And true equanimity has to have love, compassion, and joy in it. This is the
interbeing nature of the Four Immeasurable Minds. When the Buddha told
the Brahmin man to practice the Four Immeasurable Minds, he was offering
all of us a very important teaching. But we must look deeply and practice
them for ourselves to bring these four aspects of love into our own lives and
into the lives we love.